Oscar

Soul Mirage

Today marks a year…

One year ago, I met a soul that would become the catalyst for an immense shift in my spiritual life,

He pursued me,

with his light blue eyes that seemed familiar,

his sweet charm that seemed genuine and real.

Immediately, it felt like we’d known each other for years.

He intimated the feeling being mutual.

Compatibility seemed to be flowing from a divine source.

It was easy,

effortless,

nurturing,

and oh so Safe.

Safety – a feeling I am not used to,

a feeling I Crave with a vivd yearning –

hooked me.

A hopeless romantic to the core,

I threw caution to the wind and dove in,

heart first.

It felt authentic.

Pure. Honest. Real. Beautiful. Tangible.

Suddenly, with no warning, the gray, razor sharp thunder clouds rolled in.

The world was light and in an instant it became a dark cave.

His mask was ripped off his face – the Real face,

and revealed a different soul,

his true soul – one that has spent years honing his skills of illusion.

My ever strengthening intuition was blindsided.

He disappeared in a literal instant.

One day he “loves me” and the next he casts me away like a used puppet.

He vanished in to the abyss and I have not heard a single vibration from him since.

His body is still here,

but the soul that fooled me has been extinguished.

All that he left me with is grief and confusion,

feelings of a never-ending unfinished poem.

Most days I can let go of the need for a reckoning,

other days fantasies of who he revealed to me being real take over

and I grieve so hard my heart feels sore.

I begin to bargain – the most dangerous and excruciating phase of grief,

because it gives the phantasm of hope,

when there is none.

Invisible

I despise that I still think about him.

I want to somehow force myself to stop, but every time I try I realize the crusade is futile.

Was I really nothing?

Was the connection really so partisan that he can erase me like I never existed?

My core cannot comprehend this behavior.

Every soul I encounter I see –

I remember

I give credit

legitimacy.

Because all souls are significant.

Every soul on the rainbow – good, bad, beautiful, ugly – matters in this great force we live in.

How can someone cast away a soul like it is a piece of scrap paper

insignificant and no longer useful

easily forgotten with no purpose – no lasting imprint.

Being discarded is not what brings periodic tremors of pain.

It is being forgotten

invisible

and like our soul entanglement never existed.

 

Not Our First Rodeo

My soul was ready.

Your eyes were familiar.

This is not our first lifetime together.

Another time,

another land,

we have done this dance before.

Familiarity deceiving

for the knife in my back has happened before

in another lifetime.

Bleeding.

Puddle of tears.

Through hazy eyes I see the door.

It’s golden and warm.

Awakening as I stumble through it.

He was a catalyst.

For now, I can never go back.

The door has vanished and other portals have appeared.

No crumbs left to find my way back,

for I can Never go back.